I read about the 5 love languages some time ago, but I was not fully convinced about the whole theory until a couple of days ago, after a talk with my mom.
It went something like this:
“You know I’ve given you all I could until now and I’ll do my best to send you money in the future.”
For me, it was never about the money. It’s been quite some time since I’ve started to support myself financially and since I’ve started feeling that I do not want her to send me money anymore, because I was all grown up (married and two kids = pretty grown up, if you ask me).
I was getting more and more frustrated as she continued. At the point when my inside voice was almost yelling “I don’t need your money, I just want you to hug me and tell me you’re proud of me” it struck me: maybe my mom’s way of expressing love might be very different from my own. I took a step back, calmed down and started to pay attention.
Come to think of it, ever since I can remember, my mom was always running small (or larger) errands for family and friends: baking cakes, cooking for weddings, babysitting, sewing, cleaning, you name it. She was always restless if she could not express herself by doing something for the people she cared about, until she was exhausted.
It started to make sense why she would get angry if I said I didn’t need her to send me more food, more stuff, that I did not want her to work more for me, to bake for hours on end and to exhaust herself to give/send me something. Why we would always get into fights about the fact that she had no limits in the amount of food and groceries she would send when I was pregnant with our first baby. It still wasn’t clear to me that she would get really upset when we did not let her express her love for us in the only way she knew how: by acts of service.
The other day we had a conversation that sealed it for me:
“Do you need me send you some food? So you won’t have to cook?”
“No, thanks, I actually love spending time in the kitchen and there are some new recipes I want to try anyway.”
“OK. Maybe I should send you some cash instead. “
“We’re good, thanks!”
“Listen, are you upset with me?”
I started laughing. This time I was prepared.
“No, mom, we just don’t need food or money. But how about you sew us those curtains we’ve been talking about? The ones for the family room?”
Her voice became cheerful again.
“Sure thing, I’ll get right on that. And while I’m at it, I think I’ll knit some scarves for the girls.”
Needless to say, our daughters do not need any new scarves, but what can I do?
It went something like this:
“You know I’ve given you all I could until now and I’ll do my best to send you money in the future.”
For me, it was never about the money. It’s been quite some time since I’ve started to support myself financially and since I’ve started feeling that I do not want her to send me money anymore, because I was all grown up (married and two kids = pretty grown up, if you ask me).
I was getting more and more frustrated as she continued. At the point when my inside voice was almost yelling “I don’t need your money, I just want you to hug me and tell me you’re proud of me” it struck me: maybe my mom’s way of expressing love might be very different from my own. I took a step back, calmed down and started to pay attention.
Come to think of it, ever since I can remember, my mom was always running small (or larger) errands for family and friends: baking cakes, cooking for weddings, babysitting, sewing, cleaning, you name it. She was always restless if she could not express herself by doing something for the people she cared about, until she was exhausted.
It started to make sense why she would get angry if I said I didn’t need her to send me more food, more stuff, that I did not want her to work more for me, to bake for hours on end and to exhaust herself to give/send me something. Why we would always get into fights about the fact that she had no limits in the amount of food and groceries she would send when I was pregnant with our first baby. It still wasn’t clear to me that she would get really upset when we did not let her express her love for us in the only way she knew how: by acts of service.
The other day we had a conversation that sealed it for me:
“Do you need me send you some food? So you won’t have to cook?”
“No, thanks, I actually love spending time in the kitchen and there are some new recipes I want to try anyway.”
“OK. Maybe I should send you some cash instead. “
“We’re good, thanks!”
“Listen, are you upset with me?”
I started laughing. This time I was prepared.
“No, mom, we just don’t need food or money. But how about you sew us those curtains we’ve been talking about? The ones for the family room?”
Her voice became cheerful again.
“Sure thing, I’ll get right on that. And while I’m at it, I think I’ll knit some scarves for the girls.”
Needless to say, our daughters do not need any new scarves, but what can I do?
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